So c-c-c-c-cold!

Last weekend I went on a camping trip! It was lots of fun... hiking through the woods, roasting hot dogs and smores over the fire, catching fish in the river and cooking them, listening to music, playing cards.

Until... it got dark. At first it wasn't so bad. We had a nice little campfire burning, and if you weren't close to it, you could easily stay warm enough with a blanket. Even when the time came to go to bed. We were cold, but we were able to quickly fall asleep. Just a few short hours later, one by one we all began to wake up because we were unbearably cold. At this point, no one could even fall back asleep because we were all so freezing. We did the only logical thing to do in this situation with 8 people in one tent... that's right... we starting snuggling and spooning just for the warmth. (Laugh if you may, but this really works!)

Anyway... while we were all laying there whining about the cold, all I could think about was the story of a close friend of mine from last summer. She and her family wandered for 50 days in the Mongolian desert. I couldn't take my cold seriously knowing that in less than 24 hours, I would return to my comfy life where I rarely suffer such inconveniences. How might my mindset be different if faced with this as my fate? What I mean by that is, what must it be like to be in this kind of situation, not knowing how long it would last? Confronting the fact that I can travel only by foot carrying everything I own... those with me are the only ones I may ever really be able to trust again... if we all make it...

And now as I put all of this together into words and paragraphs, it strikes me that this indeed is the life of a sojouner.

Do they see?

It's times like these when I begin to question. The times that I begin to feel that I might just have it all together. I'm not really talking about questioning my faith or anything like that, but more of the application I guess. I just finished my last HUGE round of tests before finals, and now I sit back and think, "Whew, glad that's over..." but I can't just leave it at that of course...

I think further into it, to things more like, what will all this really matter? Why do I try and try and learn and cram all for a piece of paper that proves that I'm capable of learning how to do something? Where do I want to end up, and what do I want to be? and even more importantly, where does God want me to end up, and how to I go about living my life in that direction now? When I say the times I begin to feel I might just have it all together, what I really mean is, those times when I suddenly realize how far I am from that and how impossible it is for me to ever actually reach that.

Yet I struggle with the things that hold me back. Sometimes I can't even seem to figure out exactly what they are, but there are always those things that I allow to hold me back from freely giving my all.

Sometimes I feel I'll be such a failure if I don't follow God the right way... as if I miss one little turn in the road then I'm doomed. But when will I realize that it's the little things that make up the big picture?

Relationships I've allowed to remain broken...

Things I said that I shouldn't have...

Things I should have said but didn't...

The lonely and hurting person I brushed right past...

Inhibition I allow to control me...

Ignoring His call those times when I certainly heard it...

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose

On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?

Are they so revealing?

This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling


What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

-DC Talk

Cravings for Kimchee

As I sit here in my room. trying to memorize all the muscles in the lower extremity of the body, I can't help but stare off and daydream. I look at the handkerchief that hangs on my wall, signed by all of the students and staff from our schooll. I'm taken back to that place and I go over every name on the handkerchief, remembering each student, what her hair looked like, what his favorite ice cream was, all of the time spent together over the course of last summer.

Now it seems so far away and so long ago...

While I want to put all that I can into what I'm pursing at the moment, I can't suppress the persistent deeper desire to return to what seems more and more like an apparition with every passing day.

66 days...

Value of a Sparrow

As I was reading of Jesus' commissioning of the original 12 (Matthew 10), I was struck with the truth that as a missionary, disciple, minister, follower of Jesus Christ, this is my calling as well.

"...but go to the lost sheep... you received without paying, give without pay... And if anyone will not receive you, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town...

...be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves... do not be anxious how you are to speak of what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you... and you will be hated for My name's sake...

...So have no fear... And not one sparrow falls to the ground apart from the Father... you are of more value than many sparrows...

...Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I cannot call myself His yet live as something else.

93 days...

It was a Monday...

-Woke up at 8am for my 8am class...

-Put my pants on backwards...

-Found out that a favorite old tee shirt has holes in it (because I also wore it! with the holes, which grew, all day long)...

-Didn't turn in my homework because I thought it was due next Monday (which turns out to be whole nother assignment that I'll have to work on)...

-Spent $10 shipping an item I just sold on Ebay for $12...

-Missed out on an opportunity to walk to class with a cute guy because I was too preoccupied trying to figure out how to print the $10 shipping label...

-Missed lunch because I was shipping the item I sold for a total profit of $2...

-Got back a test... no more needs to be said on that one...

-Broke out in a popliteal rash from the fabric of the previously mentioned backward pants...

(I succumb to the fact that it's me vs. Monday, and Monday is winning)

+I head home for an afternoon of homework and notice the beautiful weather...

+I finish my homework quicker than expected and have time to stretch and listen to music...

+My best friend joins me for a delicious dinner of leftovers...

+I have a great Encounter meeting...

+I go to my other best friend's apartment and we make a cake (while studying of course)...

+I have to walk home, and it's not freezing...

+I decide at 10pm to head to the gym and end up walking for 2.5 miles...

+I meet a new friend at the gym and we share travel stories...

+I'm about to read my Bible before I go to bed...

= not such a bad Monday.

12:01 am Tuesday.

Korea's Sunny Side

So I made a new Korean friend this year at school. After only meeting with Sunny a few times at the beginning of this past fall semester, I asked if she would mind getting together once a week or so to help me out a little bit with my Korean. After about two weeks of the class being just Sunny, her roommate, and I, the class exploded. Since then we've consistently been meeting on Sunday nights, and what started out as a couple of people getting together has turned into 2 classes of about 8 total students.

I don't know how to thank enough or how I can show her how much I appreciate what she's done to help me! She's been such a great teacher, and I've really learned a lot. (I've even been neglecting school work at times on Sunday afternoons to make sure I get my Korean assignment finished in time! heehee)

Another time, a few weeks ago, I pretty much invited myself over for lunch to Sunny's apartment. She graciously accepted the my own invitation for her to cook Korean food for me, even though looking back I think she may have been pretty busy that weekend.. oops!

Regardless, she whipped up this delicious meal that we shared together! (And she says she's never really cooked before...)

Thanks Sunny!!

100 Day Countdown!

So I was informed today that in exactly 100 days from today I will be arriving at our debrief in Alabama before heading to Seoul for the summer! I was so excited I literally had to hold onto my chair so I didn't get up and start jumping around my room!

So 100 days left of preparation. But I was later reminded in the midst of my busy day of the most important part of preparing for a summer on mission. I met with a friend who is preparing for a summer in Africa. It will be her first time overseas, and we were talking about what she might expect. She said that she just didn't know what to expect and what to do to best prepare. I then began to think of myself a year ago and what I was anticipating my coming summer to be. I remember feeling inadequate and unworthy of the task set before me.

Now I feel like I know somewhat of what I should expect, but I'm beginning to think there is potential danger in having this confidence. The last thing I want to do is forget that there really is nothing that qualifies me for this job outside of the fact that I am Christ's willing servant. He could just as easily accomplish His purpose without me involved in the least.

So how do I best prepare? Knowing or not knowing, being ready or not, I think some sound advice can be found in Micah 6:8

"... And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

What else could make me more ready?!